A lonely future

Credits: Painting by Simi N

Its only 3rd February 2022 and it feels like this year has been around forever. I spent the most crazy and uncomfortable 10 days of my life on a trip where I learnt that my parents are the root cause of all my anxiety and pain. And that without them, I am mostly capable of being chill and fun.

Then I got covid and when I had nothing but the four walls of my room to accompany me and nobody called to check up on me and make sure that I was not going crazy……. I had another epiphany. For the first time it dawned on me that adulthood is extremely lonely. It suddenly made sense why the prospect of being a spinster was so terrifying for other women. It was not easy. I could die in here in these seven days and unless the smell of my body percolated the house, nobody would know that I died. Maybe if I had a cat to talk to and play with, it would not be this bad.

Is that why people sought romantic relationships so avidly? Because somehow this relationship is supposed to supersede every other relationship in your life. Because people are always there for their beloved. I wouldnt know…..I have never been in love. But isnt this what monogamy and marriage is about? Exclusion. Preference. Eternity. It all made sense suddenly. And a panic seeped into me for the first time in my life. The panic that I was unlovable and lonely and am always gonna be this way. I remember my highschool vividly. I never worried about getting into a relationship at that point. But at 23 years old, it suddenly dawned that this was not normal……. I was growing far too old to not have experienced love.

As I write this on my birthday, I can feel my age rising up to my throat like a nauseating vomit. I feel exhausted at being 24. People are confusing and stressful and calculated yet I need social connection and people to thrive in this world. This realization is too heavy for me to bear. All my life I had thought that if I was honest and nice and a good person, good things will happen to me eventually. But now I am realizing that if I know how to connect with the right people and learn to blend in with social norms, I will be successful in life. And the thought that my ability to maintain and form relationships with people is at the heart of my happiness is a daunting concept. Because so far I have failed at it.