I love theatre. I love acting. I want to be a director some day. I like to believe I am a good actress. But I hate social performativity. I detest the idea of dating. I have never been on a date and cant imagine myself going on a conventional one. I cannot sit like a sexy lady and pretend to be interested in a boring LUMSU guy while he pays for my bland food at a posh restaurant. I cannot pretend to laugh at his jokes-I cant most of the times without social cues anyways. I cannot put up with appearances. I just cannot, since forever.
And thats why I have barely any friends. I have failed to network with people even I dont like them or respect just because they might have “contacts” which can help me. Or just because they might have some social capital. I dont think I am cool edgy person for not doing that-it is just that I cannot. I have tried to socialize and stuff. But it is mostly very exhausting and painful for me. I can feel the fakeness in my smile and my gestures.
And I have never had patience for people I donot like. I have a list of red flags in my mind: People who treat subordinates (like their servants or workers) like shit, people who flaunt their money and social capital in every sentence, people whose eyes travel at a woman’s boobs in their very first interaction. I hate such people. And it is extremely hard for me to like them or interact with them in a pleasant way. I am okay with no interaction, but please dont expect me to come to your party and greet you and tell you how amazing of a host you are. Because that just…………..feels too fake for me.
I know I am impractical. I will go nowhere in life with this approach. And I should learn to be diplomatic. I am trying to be. But then something happened a few weeks ago which almost reduced me to tears. Which made me want to run away. And scream and disappear. When I complained about the misconduct by the Creepy Dude last week *Check The Tragedy of Sex for context*, my ED and Boss were apalled and told us to file a complaint with the Chairman since he was the one who rented out this office. We were thus, both chaperoned to a meeting in his glass-walled expensive, fancy af office. Made to sit in his reception for a good 30 minutes. And then chaperoned to his office.
Being the keen observant that I am , I X-rayed his office. He had a Black cloth saying “Ya Hussain”- a brazen display of his Shia identity. He had awards-several of them, of Best Designer and Best Project etc etc. He had a picture of his younger self in a frame on the top shelf- he was weird looking even then. There were numerous mantelpieces on his table.
He was busy patronizing his female employee. His accountant and female colleague were standing upright- I could tell by their body language that he was God here, he was not some democratic, chill Boss like mine was. I was even more irritated. What will I say? And how?
And then he suddenly turned to us and said, “We tried very hard to get that man off, but you both are so beautiful, he couldnt resist himself”. My mind had suddenly gone blank-Wtf did he just say. Wtf did this white haired man who is my fathers age just say? It was so gross and victim blamish that I wanted to lash out at him. He was the bloody chairman though-my brain shot back. I clenched my fists. He was smiling at us as if he had just created an A-class meme. Then he asked me what I wanted as a solution
“I just want him out, I dont want to share space with that man” I blurted out immediately. I clearly sounded angry and aggressive but I could not help it, this man was getting on my nerves. I wanted to scream how dare you at him for saying what he had said before.
There was a look of great annoyance on that man’s face. He started telling me how we could make a wall to save that place. Or that we could shift to his office. “I cant afford to travel this far all of a sudden” I blurted out immediately. He was looking very annoyed now, he lectured me on how things like this happen and might happen in future too and I should possess a “solution mindset”. I wanted to pull out my hair. Or his. I wanted to run away from there. I did not want to stay in my seat. I could feel everyone’s gaze on me-the problem child. The tantrum thrower. The hot tempered. I wanted to say a thousand angry things which were coming to my mind, but I couldnt. I was helpless. Here was a powerful person far above me in stature and position, men that I had read about, heard about, berated in my head- sitting in front of me and I was helpless. I really wanted to run away at that moment. I felt so helpless and humiliated. I did not respect that man by one inch-yet I was supposed to perform the role of an obedient employee. I really wanted to scream and cry at that point. It took all my social skills and self control to smile at him. To watch as he belittled me, wagged the phone in my face, acted as if he was doing me a fucking magnificent favour instead of doing his bloody job. At that moment I thought I would resign from this organization.
He kept on going on about his stupid maginificent ideas and vetoing decisions. I wanted to scream. It was pure agony for me. I Came back and put my head down for an hour. Avoided all conversation with everyone. I was so exhausted that day. I don’t think I have ever experienced this much exhaustion in my life.